Date Everything: My Unexpected Journey into Object Romance

Honestly, I never thought I'd be writing about dating a vacuum cleaner. But here we are, and I'm about 25 hours deep into "Date Everything," wondering how I got so emotionally invested in whether my blanket likes me back.

It started innocently enough. I was scrolling through Steam late one night, procrastinating on actual work, when this weird title caught my eye. "Date Everything" - I mean, what kind of game name is that? My first thought was literally "this has to be some kind of joke game," but curiosity got the better of me. Plus, it was late and I had nothing better to do.

First Impressions: Wait, This Is Actually Good?

I'll be honest, I went in expecting maybe 30 minutes of laughs before uninstalling. The concept seemed so ridiculous - romance every object in your house? Come on. But within the first few interactions, I realized the developers weren't just throwing together a meme game. There's actual depth here.

The voice acting hit me first. Like, really good voice acting. I found out later that they got some serious talent for this - apparently Dante Basco (yes, Zuko from Avatar) voices one of the characters, which blew my mind. But it's not just the big names; every single object has this distinct personality that comes through immediately.

I started with what seemed like safe choices - you know, the friendly-looking coffee maker, maybe chat with my couch. But then I accidentally clicked on my computer and... well, let's just say Mac (they use they/them pronouns, which is a nice touch) completely changed my expectations of what this game could be.

The Characters Are Surprisingly Deep

Here's the thing that caught me off guard: these aren't just one-note joke characters. Sure, some of them lean into the humor hard - the shower is absolutely unhinged, and don't even get me started on the chaos that is the kitchen sink. But then you have characters like the blanket, who's genuinely sweet and comforting, or the mirror who acts like a therapist helping you build self-confidence.

I've seen some people online say the characters feel shallow because there are so many of them, but I actually disagree. Yeah, you're not getting the same 50-hour deep dive you'd get in a traditional dating sim, but each character feels complete in their own way. The game seems to understand that different people want different things from their relationships - some want deep emotional connections, others just want to laugh, and some want... well, whatever's going on with that candelabra.

What really impressed me is how the game handles consent and boundaries. You can literally tell any character that their behavior makes you uncomfortable, and they'll adjust accordingly. No drama, no "bad ending" - they just respect your boundaries and move on. It's refreshing, honestly.

The Gameplay Loop: Simple but Effective

The mechanics are pretty straightforward - you wake up, talk to five objects, go to sleep, repeat. Some people might find this repetitive, but I found it oddly soothing. It's like a cozy routine where you're gradually building relationships with your household items.

The stat system is interesting too. Your dialogue choices affect your charisma, intelligence, and boldness stats, which then open up different conversation options with other characters. I didn't realize how much this mattered until I tried talking to one of the more challenging characters without proper stats - suddenly half the dialogue options were grayed out.

One thing that surprised me was how the game handles the "dating" aspect. You're not locked into romantic relationships - you can befriend everyone if you want, and there's even an achievement for it. I appreciate that the game doesn't pressure you into romance just because it's called "Date Everything."

Some Rough Edges

I'm playing on Switch, and I have to mention the technical issues. The game freezes sometimes, the lighting flickers randomly, and the character log - which is pretty important for tracking your 100+ potential dates - is laggy as hell. It's playable, but definitely needs some patches.

The camera sensitivity is also weird. I've seen other players mention this, and yeah, it's kind of finicky. You can adjust it in settings, but it never feels quite right.

The Weird Wonderful World of Object Romance

What really gets me is how creative the developers got with the character designs. Like, how do you make a door attractive? Apparently, you make him suave and mysterious with a voice that could melt butter. The vacuum cleaner is this adorable, hardworking character who's just trying his best. Even the toilet has personality - though I'm still not sure I'm ready for that conversation.

I found myself genuinely caring about these characters' stories. The computer's journey with self-acceptance, the blanket's gentle wisdom, even the chaos of trying to understand what the hell is wrong with that lightbulb - it all somehow works.

The game also handles some surprisingly mature themes. Mental health, identity, loneliness, finding your place in the world - all wrapped up in the absurd premise of dating your household objects. It shouldn't work, but it does.

Final Thoughts: Worth the Weird

Look, I'm not going to pretend this game is for everyone. If you're looking for a traditional dating sim with deep, complex romantic storylines, you might be disappointed. But if you're open to something completely different, something that doesn't take itself too seriously while still having genuine heart, then Date Everything might surprise you.

I never thought I'd be emotionally invested in whether a wall likes me (spoiler: he does, and it's adorable), but here we are. The game has this weird ability to make you care about the most ridiculous things, and honestly? That's kind of magical.

If you're curious, there's a demo available that gives you a good taste of what to expect. Just... maybe don't judge it too harshly in the first few minutes. Give it a chance to show you what it's really about. You might find yourself falling for a toaster, and that's okay. We don't judge here.